Feeling low and tired.
Been thinking about time, destiny and fate. Things inevitably change. And that lack of control leaves me feeling disconcerted tonight.

Maybe it's the nature of the artist, to cling to things. To never let go. In a sense we never grow up. Our lot probably find it the most difficult. We've been given this great ability to see and to imagine. And at the same time, it can leave us all cut up inside, feeling wounded.

Like today, sitting in the coffee shop. Halfway I tuned out of the conversation, I couldn't help but feel this cold wave pass through me. I was witnessing something quietly beautiful. All the details were unfolding and opening for me to see. Past, present... future merging into an instance. And yet, I knew no one else could see what I saw. I wanted to feel lucky, but all it did was leave a sad smile on my face... because I knew it wasn't going to stay. It left my hands feeling empty.

- It couldn't possibly stay.

Beautiful Jimmy Choos. I really dig the Peony boots and their more classic style of shoes. I think I like them better than manolo blahniks. Sorry carrie.

I'm always curious about what special artist/designers actually look like. Especially if a pair of stilettos with a few straps of leather can set you back $1500. Mr Jimmy Choo was a couture shoemaker based in the east end of London. I think the day Tamara Mellon walked into his life to approach him about creating a company together, must have been a life changing experience for the both of them.

So I bring you The Shoemaker himself, Jimmy Choo.

I spent a nice morning on the ferry. It was difficult getting up, but the weather was awesome. Really bright, crisp cold and not a whisp of cloud in the sky. I had shot back my macchiato, and was starting to wake up. Eyes closed, feeling the sun behind them. We were sitting at the front on the lower deck. The wind picked up once we were between the heads and the water began to get more choppy. Loved it. The sea was this cold deep pthalo blue. Just wanted to run my fingers through it I feel lucky to live here.

I was struggling with the art yesterday. And I guess I sort of went through a mini crisis. I was forcing myself to draw even though I didn't really feel like it. Doubt, like the demon it is, was sitting crouched on my shoulder. Quiet frustration seeping into the dailies, the beautiful fruitlessness of it all.

There seemed too many directions to take. Too many loose strings that were begging all to be tied and made sense of. Too many ideas running through my mind. How are they all linked? What's the pattern? Or are they all completely independent of each other? Being indecisive and hesitant is another foible of mine. The current solution is to do things half arsed. There's no failure in being non-commital. But I know this isn't working for me, so things have to change.

Blood ties

GEKKO (1859-1920)

This is Rabbit, signed by Gekko

Just finished class late. My brain feeling older. It seems to take more effort to retain things and just follow the simplest of instructions. Maybe I'm just out of practice.

I've gone back to using my PC, which I don't know how long will continue to hold out for me. Hopefully until my assignments can be handed in. My macbook's gone in for repair. He's been suffering too many RSDs of lates and it was getting worrying. I hope they can fix it.

Feeling down. Thinking about things that are out of my hands. Things I can't control. Thinking about my time in Korea and what somebody said to me. The hardest thing about being in Seoul was dealing with the racism. Being looked down on because I wasn't korean or white. It hurt in a way, because I was thinking about my mother. She made sure my brother and I would speak english without an accent so we wouldn't be seen as second class citizens. We lost our mother's tongue. We never spoke mandarin at home. And so here I was, in Seoul, where all her efforts weren't appreciated. There were nights where I'd stare at the ceiling, lying in my bed feeling angry about it. Even with the lights off, my room was still bright from all the city lights of Seoul. I closed my eyes and try to forget how narrow people could be.

I seem to find myself in recurring situations where I have to try to open people's minds. I don't know why this is. Maybe I'm just unhappy with the way things are and I want to change them. I guess I don't want people to accept that what they've been taught is the truth.